To friends and relatives of Jonathan Chisdes:
In reference to the new year beginning January 1, 1997, Mr. Chisdes, who normally exports annual holiday greetings at this time of the year, is incapable of repeating the epistolary task, and has therefore empowered me, his attorney, to extend to you, on his behalf, his sincere wishes for a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year.
Mr. Chisdes experienced a fruitful year in 1996. After a month of intense study for his final exams, he passed on February 8 and was awarded his Master of Arts degree in English from Valdosta State University on March 21. Though receiving only one job offer after applying to eighteen institutions, he was pleased to accept a part-time position at Seminole Community College in Sanford, Florida, his preferred option. He instructed one class of Freshman composition in the fall and has been rehired to teach two classes next spring.
His student and department evaluations were very positive, yet he experienced several frustrations and dilemmas during his first difficult semester of teaching. Though some criticized his near-radical emphasis on substance over mechanics, one third of his students received As and only less than a fifth failed, a percentage better than most classes. Mr. Chisdes reports that his favorite aspects of the class were working one-on-one with the students, many of whom showed an unusual trust in him (one student burst into tears in his office while sharing a private concern), and also responding to their journals, many of which were creative and went into unique depth.
Mr. Chisdes had other accomplishments during the past year, such as several publications including poems and his first electronic submission to the cyber e-zine The Orlando Reporter; his article explored the recent popularity of the Titanic. He was also asked to chair his synagogues publicity committee and co-delivered a "devar torah" presentation about the "wicked son" of the Passover seder.
According to lengthy testimony, Mr. Chisdes experienced many interesting, pleasant, and zestful moments during 1996. Among these were attending music and theatre festivals, a Collective Soul concert, and visiting a Brevard County middle school to observe teaching techniques. He was able to meet and speak with several prominent people, including actor Sonny Schroyer, poet Van K. Brock, futurist Mark Dery, pedagogical expert Louis Schmier, and porn star Asia Carrera, with whom his friend Ben got into a fight about the issue of web-counters.
However, Mr. Chisdes reports that the most important aspect of this previous year has been his six-month personal relationship with a girl named Jennifer. He said that his love for her brought him some of the happiest moments of his life, at a formal dinner-dance, Epcots France pavilion, Reed-Bingham State Park, and several other romantic locations. Yet he explains that all this joy was tempered by intense heartache when he discovered racism among friends and family who objected to the color of her skin, and even worse pain when she twice ended the relationship and broke his heart. This is the near-fatal condition which has rendered Mr. Chisdes incapable of performing his annual year-end task and therefore needed to employ our services. (I smell a disability suit.)
In conclusion. Mr. Chisdes believes that despite his anger, anguish, and agony, 1996 has been the most wonderful year of his life and wishes that everyone receiving this greeting could say the same; and that if they could not, then they should be able to say that about 1997. He wishes "Peace on Earth" to all.
Sincerely,
Isaac J. Chaser, III
Badger, Borer, Chaser, and Sewum
P.S. On a legal note, I wish it to be known, for anyone who has suffered any physical or mental injuries, on the job or in a personal relationship, Badger, Borer, Chaser, and Sewum offers a wide variety of legal services for nominal fees. Please call my secretary, Miss Sally E. Clarke, at (407) 320-0873. Thank you.
IJC:sec